


(if anybody ever asks us) let's just tell them we met in jail

by thestarsarewinning



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Iron Man 2, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, but this is iron man 2 Tony so who's surprised?, fuck Fury's big week or whatever bullshit joss Whedon decided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27490381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestarsarewinning/pseuds/thestarsarewinning
Summary: If he’d met Steve in a SHIELD conference room, he probably wouldn’t have tried to climb Captain America like a tree. Probably. Tony makes no promises.Steve had liked it, though, if the way he’d dragged Tony to the back alley of the bar they’d been in was anything to go by.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 9
Kudos: 85





	(if anybody ever asks us) let's just tell them we met in jail

**Author's Note:**

> i found this from a couple of years ago after clearing out my notes app so...obviously this isn't compatible with like 90% of canon, but that's really why we're all here anyway
> 
> title is from 'Recovery' by Frank Turner
> 
> i have no rights to anything, i'm just borrowing stuff to play house

Tony is drunk. That’s not news or anything, he’s been drunk for about a week now, but it’s still worth stating. He wants it stated for the record, if the record counts for much. 

It’s a fact, and it doesn’t absolve him of blame or responsibility or anything, but it should be said, just so people know that, really, it was Steve’s fault. 

Sure, Tony is the one who got caught with his hands down Captain America’s trousers, but it is Steve’s fault. 

Captain America’s called Steve. That’s fucking amazing. 

At least, Tony thinks so. 

A part of Tony had known that already; Steve The Sentinel of Liberty had been a weekly sermon when Tony was a kid, but that’s a part of the section of his brain Tony keeps shut away, under lock and key. 

Steve’s really just a normal guy. Okay, so, his metabolism means he can drink the same amount Tony has in a week in one afternoon and still pass a breathalyser test, and he likes to punch Nazi’s, but Steve’s really just your average guy. Well, Tony wouldn’t say average, average, the guy’s got more inches on pretty much everyone Tony’s ever-

Tony hasn’t ever dated people, but he’s had dates. Steve, Tony thinks, has got them all beat. 

He also has no idea who Tony is, but Tony hadn’t had any idea who he was until he stood up after drinking most of a bottle of whiskey and could still walk in a straight line, so they’re really even there. Tony’s gonna blame Fury for this, actually. 

If he’d met Steve in a SHIELD conference room, he probably wouldn’t have tried to climb Captain America like a tree. Probably. Tony makes no promises. 

Steve had liked it, though, if the way he’d dragged Tony to the back alley of the bar they’d been in was anything to go by. He’d liked it a lot. Which was good for Tony’s ego. Tony liked it when people liked him. He didn’t do anything with people who didn’t like what he was doing, that was his rule, and Steve was no exception. 

He’d liked it, possibly a little too much, if their current situation was anything to go by. Steve had apologised for his role in that, though. Pepper would be glad about that much, at least. 

Okay, so, Tony can imagine Pepper screaming at him, for so many reasons. 

Number one, he debauched a national icon. 

Number two, he did so in public. 

Number three, Tony’s forgotten the talk about consent they had, how both parties should be able to, and how you had to be sober for that. 

Number four, Pepper’s going to have to bail him out. And maybe Steve. 

Number five, bailing Tony and Tony’s dates out isn’t in Pepper’s job description anymore. She’s CEO now, after all. 

Number six, there’s really no one else to bail Tony out of jail in Brooklyn at five in the morning, so she’s going to have to. 

That thought is enough to make Tony’s buzz fade, just a little. It’s not just that; the cells in jail aren’t that comfy. There’s a concrete bench and bars and Tony should invest in New York’s jails. Make them more high tech, more whatever. 

It’s not the first time Tony’s been arrested, but it also sort of is. Before, he’d just been a kid, a kid with a father who would show up twenty minutes later to shake hands with the precinct captain and march Tony out of there. 

New York’s gotten a lot less fond of nepotism and celebrities, though. Which is probably a good thing, but Tony’s in jail now, and it’s not so great. There’s no aspirin, or coffee, and he had to ask real nice to use the bathroom. 

Jail does have Steve, though. Steve, whose face is bright red and he's keeping the mandated five feet away from Tony, and Tony’s amazed that Captain America allowed himself to be arrested in the first place. 

Tony will acknowledge that he too, also an alleged superhero like Captain America, got arrested, but Tony has a reason. He’s too drunk not to have been, for starters, and he’s not exactly fighting fit. The reactor’s seeing to that. As his buzz fades, the symptoms are returning. The rash along his neck has to be visible too, but he can’t really care about that. 

He doesn’t have the time too. 

Also, he’s too drunk to care, whether he’s slowly sobering up or not. The last time he was sober, it was before his party, and then he woke up in New York. JARVIS had used autopilot to get him there and parked the suit, and now Tony is in Brooklyn. With Steve. 

He knows he and Steve met in a bar. Or maybe a bodega. Steve became Steve in a bar, though. Tony has a feeling he met Steve as a cute stranger and persuaded the cute stranger to get a drink. Tony would have thought Captain America would have Known Better, but apparently not. 

One drink made cute bodega stranger Steve, two drinks made Steve sad, because Steve didn’t know any know else in New York apart from some terrifying people he maybe worked for. Five drinks made Steve laugh, because Tony told him a lot of things about New York he didn’t think could be true. Many more drinks made Steve Captain America, because of the aforementioned straight-line walking and Tony’s not inconsiderable genius. 

Steve, two hours later, had been kissing Tony softly, and neither of them complained about the taste of alcohol or the slightly obvious giveaway that Steve hadn’t done this before. 

Then Steve was kissing Tony in an alley before Tony let Steve press him again a wall. Then they’d ended up in the back of a squad car, possibly because Tony had had his hand down Steve’s trousers when the cops had shown up and there was really no chance that the guy could let them go, not when he’d caught them like that. 

Public indecency isn’t the worst charge on his record, not by a long shot. 

He’s drunk, though, and Tony thinks it could be a proper argument to get them out of there without charge. There’s something like mens rea, or actus rea, or something - it’s been…well, a while since Tony tried to impress any pre-law coeds - but you gotta have had the intent or something and Tony’s pretty sure being as drunk as he is means he doesn’t intend anything. 

When he rambles this out loud, Captain America snorts- Steve, Steve snorts out a laugh and rests his head against the wall. Tony copies him, too drunk to be self-conscious about it, and the cold helps with the slowly developing headache, and they sit like that for a while. 

Tony’s not sure how long, but it’s long enough, it turns out, for Pepper - tight-lipped, pale-faced, furious Pepper - to show up, having bailed him out. 

The duty sergeant lets him go, and Steve too, and Tony stumbles towards Pepper when he sees her and her newest assistant waiting in the foyer. It’s not Natalie, that’s for sure, Tony notices that when he tries a smile and the woman glares at him before looking back down at her Blackberry. 

“Pep, honey bee, yoghurt pot-“

Pepper holds a hand up, shutting him up more effectively than anyone else has ever been able to. “I grabbed a change of clothes, flew here, bailed you out, set PR on to damage control and got SHIELD off your back. Will that be all, Mr. Stark?”

Tony sees Steve mouth, “Stark?”, and flaps a hand in his direction, still staring at Pepper as he tries to assess how many pairs of shoes he’s going to have to buy her. His silence is clearly making that number increase, because she repeats herself. “Will that be _all_?”

Tony nods as she stands up, her expression still daring him to say anything that will allow her to hurt him. Tony is the first to admit that he’s stupid, but he’s not that stupid. “That will be all, Miss. Potts.”

The assistant hands Tony the dry cleaning bag and follows Pepper out. 

Tony doesn’t know what to do with that. 

He wants a drink, but maybe, just maybe, he’s had enough. He’s about to follow blindly after Pepper, when a hand closes on his arm, and Tony turns to see Steve and manages a grin. He juts his chin in the direction he’d been about to head in. “She probably won’t kill me whilst we’re still in New York. You want a lift back to your place?”

Steve cracks another smile again, though it’s sheepish and he doesn’t get the chance to reply before the suit in the corner Tony hadn’t noticed stands forward. “I’m here for Capt- Mr. Rogers.”

Steve gives him another awkward look and Tony’s reminded of his headache and the shower of fury, not literal, and shit, again not literal unless Pepper is really, really mad, waiting for him and decides that there’s nothing more he could possibly do apart from kiss Steve, quickly, stretching up. “Until next time, Steve.” 

There’s a dumbfounded look on the suit’s face, and on Steve’s, but Tony’s got a lot to do, including, he thinks, retrieving his suit from the US army and fixing his house, and there’s Pepper out there, without Natalie who Tony thinks might not even really be Natalie at all. 

And then there’s the rash on his neck that his shirt collar doesn’t hide anymore and the headache and he’s going to have to drink more chlorophyll. 

And maybe take aspirin. A lot of aspirin. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'd love to see what you guys though, leave me a comment?  
> i'm also on tumblr as @thestarsarewinning feel free to say hi!


End file.
